Is my mystery story good so far???

im not a very good writer..........and its not done yet..





It’s that time of the year again. Not just any ordinary time. It only happens once a year, every 365 days. I have been sitting on my porch for almost an hour now, thinking. I know that Grandma coming is a good thing, it’s a fantastic thing. After all, I love her and she barley ever gets a chance to visit Scott and I. Now, don’t be fooled by the word ‘grandma’. Grandma Rose is so different than anyone I know. She always comes here with the most amazing stories and fascinating antiques to show me from her childhood to show us. Well, mostly me. My brother Scott is only 15 years old and really cares about friends and sports. I don’t know how I’m related to him! I love seeing Grandma Rose. But this year is going to be way different. Now we live in this new home, this new town in a small little state, New Jersey, which was nothing like my home town in San Francisco, California. I don’t know what to expect! My thoughts have been overwhelming, and bursting all week, and-

“Mollie” I heard from my house. Of course, it was my mother. “Mollie, come here!”

I tied my straight, silky blonde hair back in a red ponytail and ran inside.

“Yeah?” I mumbled, panting a little from the quick sprint.

“I need you to go do the laundry. Then please put away some of the boxes in your room! They have been sitting there for weeks now. Grandma Rose is coming in less than 24 hours, and I want her to be pleased with the new house!” She was talking while she was washing dishes.

“Fine, mom.” I began to climb the long staircase. “But maybe next time could you not scream like there’s a crime happening in here?” I was practically upstairs as I finished talking, though.

I opened up the dryer and began to fold. About 5 minutes passed before I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I flipped it open and the caller ID read ‘Chris’. Oh great. He’s my boyfriend, ever since I moved here, and I forgot to call him back yesterday. Things aren’t going smoothly.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t call you back…”- I was interrupted.

“It’s okay.” Chris sounded excited. “I was wondering if you wanna come to the movies with me and a couple of friends. You should bring Taylor and Jaclyn, if you want.”

“I can’t, sorry. My mom’s got some family coming over, and she’d never let me leave.”

I knew automatically when I stopped talking that he wasn’t happy. Lately, he has been inviting me to so many things, but I keep blowing him off for other things.

“Oh… okay. Talk to ya later then, Moll.” And he hung up. I snapped my phone shut and sighed. My head ached so bad, i was not happy at all with this new life. Nothing seemed right here, and missed my best friend, Candice, since I totally grew up with her.

It was so strange; I completely blanked out for a moment. My throat was burning and I felt like I was ready to throw up. I stopped doing laundry and went to my room. Once I was plopped onto my bed, I dialed Candice’s number. I haven’t spoken to her since I moved here. It’s just been too busy and I’m having trouble getting in touch because my phone book was packed into my moving boxes until yesterday. For all I know, she could have forgotten about me and made a new friend by now. I waited a few moments for her to pick up.

“Hello?” I heard her voice.

“Hey, Candice? It’s Mollie.”

“Molls! Is it really you? We haven’t spoken in like, so long!!” I was thrilled to hear the excitement in her voice. “Why haven’t you called me? I couldn’t call you, since you got a new number.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I had to get a new cell and I just got my phonebook out of the boxes. I miss you too! I wish I hadn’t moved. This house is so creepy in a way! I feel like I’m being watched everywhere, and it’s so big. I even have the feeling-”

“Yeah, I know Mollie. Ghosts, spirits, and all that freaky stuff you’ve always wondered about. Get over it! They aren’t real.”

“Okay. I’ll try.” I didn’t feel like arguing with her, I already had enough problems to deal with.

We talked for an hour more, about everything we needed to catch up on. I told her about Chris, and tons of other stuff. The minute we said goodbye and hung up, weird things started happening again. Everything got extremely quiet, enough to hear a pin drop. So quickly my body became tense, then suddenly relaxed.

I felt a swift, cold breeze over my shoulders, and a sharp chill ran down my spine like a blade. There weren’t even any windows open or fans on! Then it happened once more, but ten times stronger. I then heard a soft, gentle giggle, as if a little girl playing in the park was sitting right next to me. It happened over and over again, continuously. I was so frightened and my hands were shaking, when automatically, the noise stopped, Once again, there was dead silence.

I got up and darted downstairs as fast as I possible could. I tried explaining to my mom what happened, but she just thought I was making up stories so we could move back to California. All she did was roll her eyes and tell me that she will have my dad check out my room when he got home, the offered me a slice of pizza. Like that would help at all! Why wouldn’t anyone believe me? I skipped the pizza and went back outside onto the porch, trying to hold back my tears. Grandma would be here soon, and I knew she would believe me. After waiting a while, Dad finally pulled into the driveway, with Grandma Rose in the car. It only took long enough!

“Grandma!” I jumped up and wrapped my arms around her, giving the biggest hug ever.

“Oh, Molly Dolly!” she laughed. She’s always called me that, ever since I was born. She has so many crazy nicknames for me! “You have grown up so much, sweetheart!”

“Thanks. There is so much I need to tell you Granny! I mean before this thing-“

“Oh my!” she cried out. “This house!” I was puzzled. She seemed shocked, and almost afraid.

“What about it?”

“Oh…nothing, dear. I mean, it’s just so… marvelous and beautiful. Just forget it, let’s go in and settle, shall we? I’m so tired from the long plane trip from England!”

I was confused why she just changed the topic so quickly, but I decided to just forget about it. I have waited so long for this moment, and it’ s finally here. I wasn’t going to let anything ruin it.

We spent the rest of the afternoon settling her in and eating dinner. Afterwards, we both went up to my new bedroom, which was so much bigger than my old one. We sat for a while, just talking and eating fresh baked chocolate chip cookies with steamy hot cocoa. She told me about the trip here and about England. I’ve only been there a few times, but I don’t remember much about it. I told her about school, friends, and all sorts of stuff. Then gradually, I brought up the conversation about what happened earlier. About when I heard the giggling and felt the breezed and chills in my room. Every detail was included in the description, and she seemed to be listening so closely to every word I muttered. Her eyes were directed right to mine, concentrating so deeply.

When I finished what I had to say, she was silent for a moment, analyzing all the information.

“So, what do you think?” I spoke softly. She hesitated a bit. “You don’t believe me, do you? Well. I guess it was worth a shot.” I looked away and got ready to leave the room.

“Oh, sweet pea, don’t get me wrong! I believe you with all my heart. I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

“You do? How?” I was shocked.

“I most definitely do.” She replied, confidently. “Listen here, Mollie.”

I scooted closer to her.

“Okay,” she began, “I know how you are feeling. In fact, I feel like I have been to this house so many times before.”

“But there’s no way that’s possible. We just moved here and this is your first time visiting.”

“Dear, I have been around, oh say about 86 years now. I’ve seen far too much in my day to even remember clearly!” she exclaimed through a mouthful of cookies. “I have certainly, with no doubt, been here before…somehow…” She was grasping the handle of her hot cocoa mug tightly, and her knuckles were practically turning white. She looked around, very mysteriously. Then, all of a sudden, she froze. Her eyes locked onto a spot somewhere by my window. There were dusty Victorian style curtains hanging there ever since I got here. I was planning to take them down and replace them with a cool blue color, maybe even something metallic. Grandma was still staring at the windows, or maybe the curtains, and thinking. Her eyes began to swell up and I saw a few small teardrops fall from her eyes.
Is my mystery story good so far???
pretty good, though if you would legnthen it out a bit in places, espeically in the transition between her talking on the phone to the ghost moment, or from that to telling her parents to talking to her grandmas it would smooth it out better.



giving some more history about the character, her family, and her grandma would also help a lot to understand the story



other than that, its really good! make sure i get the rest, i really want to know whats happening
Reply:i like it... i wonder if its posible to read the rest of the story to?
Reply:This is long one but I started to read it...but I must say..you have a lot of errors in it. So my question to you is ...is this the ruff version? Make sure you have someone else to actually read it and critique it. I saw more grammar errors then spelling. Just an F.Y.I boo!



But it started out great.....good job!



-Love Sky :-) (Don't listen to the fact that the guy above said you were boring! It's not like you're trying to be Steven King or something or end up on Oprah's Book club).



But just check your grammer girlie and add some spaces in between, cause you want to be good at whatever you decide to do!
Reply:you have a very easy going style that is easy to read and very detailed...great description. Keep at it, I would like to read more. : -)
Reply:great!
Reply:WOW!!! It is really good. You catch the reader's attention really easily. I want to hear the rest of the story!!!! You would make a great, excellent author!!!!! =D
Reply:I got bored after the first few sentences, there is no hook. This is the mistake rookie writers make.



I expect you to pick best answer to who says it awesome instead of giving real critisicm so you feel good inside. What a shame
Reply:Ok, first of all good effort. You will only become a 'good' writer through practice so it is great that you are writing stories. I'm going to try give you some constructive criticism though. It might be what you are aiming for but the writing style sounds a bit like you are writing an email to a friend - it is very colloquial. Usually this is ok for dialogue but the action should be correct English. An example of what I mean is your sentence: "My head ached so bad, i was not happy at all with this new life. Nothing seemed right here, and missed my best friend, Candice, since I totally grew up with her."

Also try to show the characters qualities rather than telling the reader - for example you could show how different Grandma Rose is through her actions rather than telling the reader in the first paragraph. When you read a book you want to be encouraged to come to a conclusion for yourself, not be told.



I think this is a great effort and I suggest you write a lot more and also READ. That is really important, read in the genre you want and see how published authors do it. Also you might want to buy some books on writing, I have found they can be very helpful although nothing beats practice.